So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
