dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
