He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
