Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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