your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
