He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
