just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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