You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
