when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
