when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize