if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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