I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
