i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
