i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
