Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize