every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
