She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
