My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
