I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
