I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
