My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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