Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize