I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
