My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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