dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
