I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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