Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I have already put on my inside pants.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
