I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
