Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize