the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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