and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
