Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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