I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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