I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
