I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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