Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
