The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize