how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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