You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize