i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
