I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
