Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize