Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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