I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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