3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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