If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
