Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
