Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
