nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
