How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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