i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
