i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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