he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
