God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My ass is underappreciated
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
