According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
