I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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