3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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