using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
