i think i have two assholes
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
